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Bureau of Fecal Forensics?

The Israeli city of Petah Tikva is setting up a DNA database of local dogs so that unscooped poop may be analyzed and traced to its rightful owner.

Dog owners won’t receive the offending — and offensive — matter back, but they will get a ticket.

“My goal is to get the residents involved and tell them that together, we can make our environment clean,” Tika Bar-On, the city’s chief veterinarian, told Reuters news agency.

Owners were reacting positively to the six-month trial program, she told the agency, because they wanted their streets to be clean.

At the moment providing a DNA sample is up to individual dog owners, but the city was considering making it compulsory, she added.

Petah Tikva, a suburb of Tel Aviv, is asking dog owners to take their animal to a municipal veterinarian, who then swabs its mouth and collects DNA.

It’s the latest in the worldwide crackdown on unscooped poop (is there a correlation between how unable a country is to end its wars and the amount of time and money they spend fighting poop?)  In England, some towns have turned to closed circuit TV and undercover patrols to identify offenders. What’s next, SWAT teams that swoop in at the first sign of a dog squatting?

Even that might be more useful than than what the Israeli town is planning, which seems another case of technology eclipsing common sense.

The news report says that owners who scoop up their dogs’ droppings and place them in specially marked bins on Petah Tikva’s streets will be eligible for rewards of pet food coupons and dog toys.

I’m not sure, but that seems to be implying that the town — in addition to analyzing outlaw poop — will be analyzing law-abiding poop, as well.

How much of a staff will be required to pull this all off — from those who retrieving it (fecal engineers?) to those who are transporting it to the lab (parapoopers?) to those conducting the analyses (certified crapologists?)

And even more interestingly, what will the department that does the work be called?

It may already have a name, but I’m accepting nominations, anyway. (Extra points if it’s also a good acronym.)

Comments

Comment from Mary Schmidt
Time September 17, 2008 at 6:23 pm

C.S.I.?
Crap Scene Investigators?

I really like “Parapoopers” better, though.

Comment from Anne-n-Spencer
Time September 17, 2008 at 6:48 pm

Well, since it’s located in Israel, I think they already have the perfect name: MOSSAD. Stands in this case for Making Our Streets Safe Against Dogdoo.

Comment from Anne-n-Spencer
Time September 17, 2008 at 8:32 pm

Oh, my. You’re gonna be so sorry you mentioned this. The other resident human and I have had a bad week, and it’s going downhill fast. So we sat here tonight over our frozen pizza and decided that the great police and security forces of the world should not be neglected. Therefore:

Russia: The KGB, or Krap Goin’ Byebye. Their motto is “If you let the pooh lag, you’re goin’ to the Gulag.”

England: Squatland Yard, of course. Their motto is very straightforward: “Scoop it up or you’ll be helping us with our enquiries for a long, long time.”

Canada, where both French and English are official languages: The Royal Canadian Merde Police. And of course, they always get their mutt.

And last but not least, the U.S.A., which would be home of the Fecal Bureau of Investigation. We would have two mottoes in keeping with the two mottoes of the United States: In God We Trust . . . Everybody else get out your plastic bag. And of course, E Pluribus Poohnum.

And, naturally, when these great protective organizations want to share information about a notorious international crapmaster, they have recourse to a single organization–Interpoop.

Comment from Mary Schmidt
Time September 18, 2008 at 10:17 pm

Okay, Anne, you made my sides hurt with laughter! I don’t think I’m ever going to recover from Squatland Yard.

There’s something about being a dog owner / poop picker-upper that makes scatological humor just a little too enjoyable.

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