ohmidog!

SWM  ISO  SFDVM … for LTR.

Better yet, I’ll spell it out: Single White Male in search of Single Female Doctor of Veterinary Medicine, and by LTR I mean not just long term relationship, but marriage.

I might be willing to give the institution another try, but only with a veterinarian.

This decision is based not only on certain financial realities with which I am confronted, not solely on being a journalist without a real job, but on my belief that anyone who has devoted her life to dogs — as long as they are not all self-righteous about it, or hoarding them — is going to be a good person.

So, yes, I plan to marry, and live happily ever after with, a yet-to-be-chosen veterinarian.

(The unidentified one in the photo above, which I found by Googling, would be fine, but I’m not sure if she’s a veterinarian or a model, or, since her left hand is hidden behind the dog’s ear, whether she’s spoken for.)

In the interest of being totally frank, even though my name is John — nice to meet you, do you come here often? – I will reiterate that at least part of this life choice is based on practical, in addition to any romantic, interests.

Ace is nearly 7, beginning to get up there for a big dog. I am 58 (though, by making it a point to take poor care of myself, I can manage to still pass for 60). I’m feeling quite fine today, but Ace is showing signs of another ailment.

He has taken to acting like a cow, but only at night.

While seeming otherwise fine, he has been exhibiting two unusual behaviors. The first is standing like a cow, declining both offers and orders to lay down. When he does finally consent to joining me on the couch, or bed, he insists on putting the front third of his body on top of me.

None of his appendages seem to be bothering him, and I’ve manipulated them all to no end. No other spot I press on seems to cause him any pain. His symptoms are not like those back-related ones he was experiencing a few months ago. He acts mostly normal during the day, but once night falls, he becomes a cow.

He’s eating regularly, his bowel movements are on schedule and his stool seems fine. (Mine, too, in case any potential suitors are wondering.)

I have Googled myself silly trying to figure it out. At one point, I was convinced it was carbon monoxide poisoning, because he was standing by the door a lot, as if to say we must leave the premises at once. When he went out, though, he did nothing, except stand like a cow some more. I went out and bought a carbon monoxide detector. It hasn’t gone off.

Last night, I began suspecting bloat, even though what’s going in, food-wise, seems to be coming out, and he doesn’t seem inflated.

I’ve even asked myself if his ailment might be something other than physical — a cognitive disorder, though it seems to early, stemming from his advancing years. But then I forget that I’ve asked myself that.

Each day he seems fine, recovered, running, playing and happy, and I cancel my plan to take him to the veterinarian. Then at night he becomes an unmoving cow again, but, unlike a cow, seems anxious about something.

So he’s going back to his vet, who’s not an option when it comes to my plan to return to wedlock with a DVM, as he is a he and he is married.

But how wonderful would it be, now and moreso in the future,  to have someone right in the same house who could observe Ace’s behavior and — contrary to my uneducated guesswork — come up with an immediate diagnosis and treatment plan?

To spare me from the anguish — and, despite any jest herein, it is anguish — that comes with knowing something is bothering your dog and not being able to figure it out?

And perhaps, even though her background is in dog health, to detect any excessive panting, or drooling, or other warning signs, that I might be exhibiting myself?

Til death do us part.

What I haven’t mentioned yet — because it’s a small thing, which has only a slight bearing on my love for veterinarians — is neither Ace nor I have health insurance, and we’re both getting to an age where that might be handy.

If I married a kindly, female, financially secure, unattached veterinarian, I can only assume Ace would get free medical care — given that Ace would become her dog, unless we parted ways, in which case, as spelled out in a pre-nuptial agreement, full custody of Ace would revert to me.

And if, in addition to making a good living from being a veterinarian, one of those rare careers that actually has a future, she had her own human medical insurance — the kind that covered spouses — that would be some highly appreciated icing on the cake. That would just make our bond even stronger.

I think we would be very happy together.

Yes, I kind of like time and space to myself. Yes, I probably work too much, definitely too much for a person who’s unemployed. True, I can’t shower you with luxurious or expensive things, but I do occasionally shower. I’m probably not “a catch.” As I’ve already stated, I will be 60 in a couple of years.

Nevertheless – and I”m going down on one knee now — I ask you, female veterinarian, will you marry me?

And, whatever your answer, can you help me back up?

(Photo: From Topcollegesonline)

When their dog Scamp was hit by a car, a Washington state family checked his seemingly lifeless body, then put him under a wheelbarrow, planning to bury him the next morning.

Paul McKinlay, 61, had been speaking with his son in his front yard in Yelm when Scamp, an 8-month-old Yorkie-shih tzu mix (not Shiatsu, as ABC News reported) slipped underneath the fence and ran into the street.

McKinlay heard a yelp and a thud and arrived at the street to find the dog motionless and the female driver crying.

“We checked to see if we felt any breathing out of his nose, and we couldn’t feel any heartbeat,” said Reta McKinlay.

Her husband wrapped the dog — who they’d brought home for their granchildren this summer — in a blanket. They placed his body under an overturned wheelbarrow so no animals could get to him, with plans to bury Scamp in the morning.

Then, they broke the news to the 6-year-old twins — granchildren who live with them.

“[Paul] was going to bury him the next morning so we went into the house and just told the kids the dog had gotten hit by a car and that he had gone to heaven like in that movie, ‘All Dogs Go to Heaven.’ My grandson was crying. He asked if [Scamp] evaporated like in the movie and I said, ‘Yes, that’s what happened.’”

But when Paul McKinlay went outside the next morning and lifted up the wheelbarrow, Scamp was sitting up.

Four days and $3,000 in vet bills later Scamp, who’d suffered a concussion, broken teeth and a possible jaw fracture, was brought home by the McKinlays — much to the suprise of their twin granchildren, who, just in case Scamp didn’t make it, hadn’t initially been told that the dog was still alive.

Mrs. McKinlay said her husband had been “distraught” that he left Scamp out in the cold, but vets told the couple that the cold temperatures could have kept the dog alive, by keeping his brain from swelling.

“Sometimes God’s just not ready to take something away,” she said.

Some very Grinch-like behavior in Moncks Corner, S.C.: An autistic girl’s special needs dog was stolen from her family’s front yard.

Toby, described as an American bull terrier, was taken from the yard and loaded into a black Dodge Charger by a woman with blonde hair, witnesses told police.

“We can’t sleep, we can’t eat and we can’t go on until he comes home,” Kelly Noland told WCSC (Live 5) News. “It’s like having our own child gone.”

The dog has been in the family for years, and though not professionally trained as a service dog, helps Noland’s 9-year-old daughter Alle, who has autism.

“She has been extra upset, you can tell, she brings us his picture,” Noland said.

Alle’s vocabulary is limited, Noland said, and Toby lets the family know when she is upset or in danger.

“When we’re outside playing he makes sure she’s safe at all times,” Noland said. “If she has a certain cry he can tell the difference in her cries. He can tell if something bothering her.”

Berkeley County sheriff’s deputies are investigating, and the Nolands are offering a reward to anyone who returns him.

Toby was last seen wearing a spiked leather collar with the Noland’s address and phone number on it. Anyone with information is asked to call the Berkeley County Sheriff’s Department at 843-826-2920.

A tornado that whipped through  Joplin, Missouri, spared Kain, a pit bull, and Kita, a Rottweiler, even though the house collapsed around them.

Less forgiving is the town of Carl Junction, where their displaced family moved afterwards — only to find out that pit bulls and Rottweilers are illegal.

Carl Junction is one of many cities and towns around the country that have legislation prohibiting pit bulls and other breeds within the city limits, according to The Joplin Globe, which reported on the family’s situation this week.

And city officials are unwilling to make an exception to the rule, meaning Dave DeWolfe and his family — who followed the sounds of the whimpers and rescued their dogs after the tornado — will now be required to give them up, at least if they want to stay in Carl Junction.

After the tornado, DeWolfe’s daughter, Janelle Mawhinney, provided temporary shelter for family members at her apartment, but she couldn’t take the dogs. They were placed in a temporary shelter set up by the ASPCA.

Every day, DeWolfe says, they’d stop in to visit. In July, they found a new home in nearby Carl Junction, reclaimed their dogs and moved in.

“We thought it was too good to be true: a decent neighborhood, a good price, everything came through with the bank, and we were so happy about it,” he said.

Not long after settling in, they were reading a “welcome” packet from the city when they saw that Carl Junction’s hospitality didn’t extend to pit bulls and Rottweilers. Neither are permitted with the city limits.

Then, this month, DeWolfe was informed by the city’s animal control officer that he was violating the city ordinance. He went to the city council, saying he would do ”whatever it takes” to keep the dogs, even if it meant crating or muzzling them.

“It’s my fault,” he said. “I should have checked the laws.”

City council members said they didn’t want to set a precedent by allowing the family to keep the dogs.

Carl Junction’s ban on the two breeds was put in place in 1995. It carries fines of $200 to $500. The only exception to the law is for dog owners who registered with the city prior to the ordinance going into effect.

DeWolfe and his wife have turned to Craigslist in an attempt to find the two dogs a permanent home.

“We try to work with our residents whenever we can,” Carl Junction Police Chief Delmar Haase said. “But approving one would set a precedent. We’ve had this ordinance for quite some time, and all the dogs grandfathered in under it are now gone. We’ve had quite a few requests and if you open it up to one, you’ve just defeated your ordinance.”

Defeating, if you ask me, is just what the ordinance needs.

(Photo: By T. Rob Brown / Joplin Globe)

While there’s much to scoff at when it comes to the industry that has blossomed around bidding farewell to our dead pets — especially those that promise life after death — I’m not quite ready to scoff at this idea.

In fact, I may even like the concept of turning your deceased dog into a tree.

But just so you can be sure I’m not shilling for the company behind this product, I would point out that you could probably do the same thing with your dog’s ashes without a special, fertilizer filled, biodegradable, $90 “Geos” urn.

The Geos urn — one of four offered by a company called Limbo Zoo — is designed to hold a pet’s ashes and serve as the medium in which a seedling (you supply it) can grow into a tree.

“The nutrients that conform this handcrafted earth-made urn combine with those of the fertile ashes to form a beautiful tree,” says the website.

The company also offers the “Nu” urn, which is made of sea salt and designed for burials at sea, and the “Samsara” urn, made of fine sand and designed for burials in fresh water, like a lake or river.

The urns are advertised as an environmentally responsible alternative and billed as both “durable,” and “biodegradable.” They’re designed to stay intact for a while, and then disintegrate over time.

The company is headquartered in Spain, and the urns are made there, but they have a U.S. distributor in Texas.

The Geos urns are made from a hardened organic compost and mineral soil bound with natural plant extracts. None of the urns include any animal products.

Ohio lawmakers were encouraged this week to repeal a nearly 25-year-old law that singles out pit bulls as vicious — not based on their behavior, but on their bloodlines, or sometimes just their suspected bloodlines.

Dr. Linda Lord, president of the Ohio Veterinary Medical Association, was one of five who gave testimony before the Senate Judiciary Committee, urging an end to the state’s restrictions against pit bulls, the Toledo Blade reported.

“The effective control of vicious animals is in the best interest of the state. However, current law placing restrictions on one specific type of dog is contrary to actually addressing the problem of aggressive canine behavior,” Dr. Lord said.

“Placing arbitrary limitations on the ownership of a specific type of dog only serves to create a stigma and place undue burdens on responsible animal owners.”

Dr. Lord told legislators that in her years of practice, she was more fearful of  being bitten by dachshunds than by any so-called pit bull breed.

A bill to repeal the pit bull restrictions passed the House last spring. The Senate Judiciary chairman has tentatively scheduled a committee vote for January, according to The Blade.

Under Ohio’s current law, a dog can be labeled “vicious” if it has killed or seriously injured a person, killed another dog, or is a pit bull. Under House Bill 14, the definitions would be revised, and all breed-specific language would be removed.

Several Ohio cities that once banned pit bulls have lifted their restrictions, but repealing the state law has yet to be accomplished.

Five other witnesses testified earlier this week in favor of repealing the law.

Tis the season for putting ornaments on trees, hanging stockings from the mantle, and, if you’re a dog, placing your nose directly into the crotch of any and all visitors who drop by the house for a bit of Christmas cheer.

Ah yes, the crotch sniff, next to the leg hump about the most embarassing behavior — for us, anyway — that our dog can engage in.

If you’ve ever wondered why your dog, while showing little or no interest in your crotch, is so fascinated by the laps of visitors, help is on the way.

That sketch on the left shows where dogs sniff their owners — mostly, as you can see by the lines and darkened areas,  the arms and face.

The one below shows where dogs sniff strangers, and there seems a much greater focus on the groin.

This comes courtesy of our friend Julie Hecht, who produces the blog Dog Spies. She’s nosing through existing research, and has posted the first of a two-part series on the phenomenon.

Hecht works with Alexandra Horowitz at the Dog Cognition Lab at Barnard College, which regularly tries to figure out why dogs do the things they do — the scientific reasons, as opposed those we tend to arrive at anthropomorphically.

She  cites a study done in 1991, by Filiatre, et al, that had this title:

“Behavioural variability of olfactory exploration of the pet dog in relation to human adults.”

(Riotous bunch, those scientists.)

For their sniffing simulation, researchers had human volunteers lay motionless on the floor with their eyes closed for five minutes.

The researchers first observed pet dogs sniffing their owners. Then they watched as dogs sniffed an unknown person. They kept count of the areas sniffed, and made charts. (I’m guessing they didn’t use those red arrows, though.)

Dogs spent more time sniffing strangers than their owners, and, with strangers,  more time poking about the crotch zone. 

The simple explanation: Your dog already has a good sense of how you and most regular visitors smell. With a new person though, they tend to want to get better aquainted. They do that primarily with their noses.

As for why they sniff where they sniff, I don’t know — and I’m hoping part two of Julie’s post will clear the air and explain the allure of the crotch; whether it’s a matter of going for the most pungent spot, or the most personal and guarded one, or if maybe it, scent wise, it’s simply the most revealing.

Dog only knows.

Sure, we frown upon the humanization of dogs, and the new heights it keeps reaching.

On the other hand, we do have a funny bone, and this — moreso than the many others of its ilk on the Internet — hits it.

So, if you haven’t already seen it — and it has gone way viral — here’s “”Two Dogs Dining in a Crowded Restaurant.”

The video, starring NoNo, the yellow lab, and Sia, a Danish Broholmer, was posted in January and is nearing 8 million views.

The video’s makers say they’ve received mostly good comments, but a few from people expressing worries that the dogs were “forced” to take part, or might have hurt themselves on the forks and knives.

“Firstly the dogs loved it – they are best friends and really like getting all the attention,” they say on YouTube. “We practiced with the cutlery in advance, and both dogs very quickly figured it out. Besides the ‘waitress’ kept on talking to them and encouraging them. They are very well behaved, and know when to sit still, take it slow and wait.

“Enjoy and don´t be worried – both dogs love it, and we love them.”

Two dogs found mutilated along some train tracks in northern California bring the number of mysterious dog deaths in the area to at least seven — by some reports nine — since August.

Foul play is considered a possibility the newest cases, involving a Labrador retriever and a German shepherd, because of the way the dog’s carcasses were positioned, authorities said. At least one of them had been decapitated, according to news reports.

The two dogs were found along the railroad tracks east of the Marysville City Cemetery. Marysville is about 40 miles north of Sacramento.

The discovery of aroused suspicion about a possible link to five other dead dogs found in the town of Linda, according to the Appeal-Democrat in Marysville. All five were found within 10 days in August, and at least two had been shot.

Fox News, meanwhile, reports there have been nine mysterious dog deaths in the area, according to the Los Angeles Times.

Neither of the latest two dogs found were shot, according to post-mortem X-rays conducted by a veterinarian.

Marysville Police and the Yuba County Sheriff’s Department are investigating, and have asked for help from investigators with the Union-Pacific Railroad Police.

“We still need to determine if all the damage was caused by a train or if there was evidence of mutilation prior to them being struck by the train,” sheriff’s Lt. Damon Gil said.

Gil said no definite links between the case have been established. “We don’t want people to panic about their pets,” Gil said. “But it’s certainly piqued our interest and we’ll certainly be looking to dive into those questions and examine the case further.”

Anyone with information is asked to contact the Marysville Police Department at 749-3900.

It’s an unscientific poll, and it’s designed to sell T-shirts, but we’re going to report its findings, anwyay:

Seventy-six percent of respondents say “the most normal member of their family” is the dog.

“The Most Normal Family Member“ poll was conducted online by the Social Beat Research Group (SBRG), and was commissioned by Joel Jenkins  for his Internet company, www.tmarktees.com, which is selling the T-shirt seen above.

Still, marketing gimmick though it may be, the overwhelming choice of the family dog as “most normal” might say something, while not scientific, at least significant.

As Jenkins put it:  “Not only do these results reinforce the belief that pets, and especially dogs, are bona fide family members, but they’re also considered to be stabilizing forces of normalcy within the family unit.”

Coming in second in the poll was ”Me,” but it was a distant second, with only 12 percent considering themselves more normal than their dogs. (Some of those votes could have come from people without pets, Jenkins pointed out in a press release.)

The online poll is now open to the general public.  To take the poll and  see the latest results, visit www.tmarktees.com

And if you do buy the T-shirt, take comfort in the fact that a portion of the proceeds will be going to Best Friends Animal Society.

(Image courtesy of tmarktees.com)