ohmidog!

According to Klooff, what I need to do is get a golden retriever, or a Siberian husky, or a French bulldog — and then just wait for women to line up in hopes of dating me.

Based on findings in a survey conducted by Klooff, a new iPhone app for pet lovers, those are among the dog breeds that best attract women.

“Pets are great for lots of different things; for companionship, for fun romps at the park, and even for getting a date,” said Alejandro Russo, co-founder of Klooff. “That’s why we built Klooff, so people can express themselves through their pets. And possibly even find a little romance while at it.”

I find it revolting — maybe not Klooff itself, but this particular avenue the humans behind the app have chosen in a quest for publicity.

It’s dogsploitation at its worst. It reduces dog to an accessory — one that can help you “express yourself” and get you dates. It makes dogs the equivalent of those Axe products that purport to attract women, like flies to dog poop.

If the main reason you are getting a dog is to attract humans of the gender you are seeking — be it for a date or a long-term relationship — don’t get a dog.

If you are getting a dog for other reasons, but want to factor in which breed would serve you best as you go about your courting and woo-pitching, don’t get a dog.

If you think that a dog’s breed is all you need to know — that breed alone determines every facet of a dog’s personality and behavior, thereby making him 100 percent predictable — don’t get a dog, at least until you do a little more research.

This is where Klooff goofed – not only in reducing dog to a sort of pimp, but by relying on often faulty breed stereotypes and generalizations far too wide.

Here’s a sample of their pun-laden press release:

Just what are the best breeds for singles?

It’s no secret that taking your dog for a walk during these upcoming dog days of summer is a great way to meet other singles, make a connection, and potentially land a hot date. But what dog breeds give men and women the best chance of getting a “leg up” on the competition in the “dog eat dog” world of dating and romance?

A new international poll on what goes on in one of the hottest singles scenes – at the dog park – suggests certain breeds are the “cat’s meow” in navigating the “ruff” world of dating, whereas others hinder their chances of success. The survey illuminates what types of dogs men and women should own to attract their next girlfriend, boyfriend, hookup, or soulmate…and which dogs to completely stay away from.

I will point out here that my dog Ace has gotten me dates — in fact, pretty much every date I’ve had in recent years. I would go so far to say that, while he smells much worse, he works much better than Axe deodorant, or body spray or hair styling products. But that’s an unexpected benefit, not the sole or even main reason he came into my home.

Although it was once the case, in today’s society most of us no longer choose dogs based on the work they can do for us – unless you are a shepherd, or a hunter, or a dog show ribbon seeker.

Today we choose them for companionship — for the love they bring into our homes, as opposed to the varmints they can chase away, or the potential suitors of our own species they might attract.

The Klooff app, though, is indicative of a mindset that still lingers – despite the evolution of dogs, despite the evolution of our thinking about them:

Looking at dogs solely in terms of what they can do for us.

The notion of getting a dog for the purpose of spicing up your romantic life is selfish — on par with ruining a pristine natural environment to feed your whims.

The notion that you should choose a dog based on how well its breed reportedly attracts humans of the gender you are seeking is equally unwise.

Klooff ranks breeds in terms of their ability to attract dates. The lists are based on a survey Klooff says is  ”representative of 1,000 pet owners and non-owners.” It presents the results in countdown style:

The top dog breeds to attract men were:
5. Beagles
4. Poodles
3. Chihuahuas
2. Labrador Retrievers
1. Golden Retrievers

The top dog breeds to attract women were:
5. French Bulldogs
4. Siberian Huskies
3. Labrador Retrievers
2. Golden Retrievers
1. German Shepherds

Klooff is a newly launched mobile app that lets users create profiles for their pets, allowing them to upload pet photos and interact with other pet lovers, “and maybe make the dog park dating scene a little easier.”

According to Klooff, many men see women who own Chihuahuas as dumb, and as “one-night stands” as opposed to “girlfriend material.”

According to Klooff, men who own retrievers are seen as “great dads,” men who own a Siberian Husky are seen as “manly,” and men who own bulldogs, boxers or Rottweilers are seen as “just a hook up.”

According to Klooff — and this is the one that bothers us most — the man who owns a pit bull or Rottweiler is seen as ”slimy” or “sketchy.”

Klooff calls their rankings “scientific.”

If you believe that, you probably own a Chihuahua.

Just kidding.

(Photos by John Woestendiek)

I suppose, if you are intent on understanding men — not that they’re that hard to figure out – one of the best ways is through their dogs.

So, for Valentine’s Day — even though we’re not personally celebrating it this year — we pass along some advice from Wendy Diamond, author of the 2006 book,  ”How To Understand Men Through Their Dogs.”

Diamond believes the type of dog a man shares his life with provides some clues to his personality characteristics.

(And we interrupt here to point out that if a man doesn’t have a dog, just avoid him entirely. If he has cats, run even faster.)

But back to Ms. Diamond, who says much can be read into the breed a man chooses.  The Akita owner, for instance, may lean toward being over protective of those he loves; the poodle man might be too sophisticated for his own good; and the Pomeranian owner isn’t likely to be highly affectionate.

On the other hand, she says, the German shepherd owner is likely to be mysterious and intriguing, if you’re into that sort of thing.

And it’s a safe bet, in her view, that the guardian of a bichon frise  is “great with children.”

If you are looking for a husband, though, Diamond recommends you consider the man who has a Doberman pinscher, rottweiler, collie, beagle or Chinese crested.

The mutt owner makes a good mate, too, she notes — he’s typically a happy-go-lucky sort who’s good with children and “not concerned about pedigree.”

We’re not about to argue with any of her recommendations (we’re too happy-go-lucky); but we would add only this, for men or women who want to factor dogs into the courtship equation:

Far more important than the breed they’ve chosen — whether it is hairless and scrawny or big and mysterious – is how they treat their dog.

A book may help, but when it comes to understanding men, that speaks volumes.

Here’s a cute piece that appeared on the Today Show this week about the newest gimmick when it comes to matching up homeless dogs with homes.

It’s speed dating for dogs.

Not that adopting a dog should be a speedy decision, but it does seem a good way to let humans meet adoptable dogs, and in a far nicer setting than your average bark-filled, puddle prone animal shelter.

Some wine, some music, maybe even some candlelight. Why not?

Money can buy you love in Baltimore — and, for the next two weeks, for just $40.

In honor of Valentine’s Day, Baltimore Animal Rescue and Care Shelter (BARCS), is dropping the fees on all adoptions to $40 until Feb. 28:

“Want to find the perfect companion? Want to find someone who is guaranteed to love you unconditionally, even if you go bald, gain weight, or lose all of your money? Tired of the dating scene and the pressure of Valentine’s Day romance? Forget internet dating!”

BARCS promises “the perfect companion … not afraid of making a commitment and they will give you pure affection and unconditional love for their entire lifetime.”

Adoption fees include spaying and neutering, rabies vaccination, DHLPP vaccination, bordatella, de-wormer, flea preventative, a general examination, a food sample, Felv testing for cats and kittens, and even a month of free veterinary insurance.

BARCS is the largest shelter in Baltimore and the surrounding area, caring for more than 11,000 animals each year.

To find true love, stop by the shelter at 301 Stockholm St. (behind M&T Bank Stadium), call at 410-396-4695, or visit BARCS online.

The shelter is open for adoptions Monday through Friday from 2 p.m. to 6 p.m., and Saturdays and Sundays from 11 a.m. to 4 p.m. The shelter will be closed on Monday, Feb. 15, in celebration of President’s Day.

(Graphic: T-shirt design by Punk Rock Dogg)

Wealthy dog owners in India are turning to online canine dating services to find dogs for their dogs to romp with.

And we’re using “romp” in all meanings of the word.

“A lot of dog owners want their dogs to have doggy friends with whom they can play and have their own fun time,” says Geetika Nigam, who launched the 6,500-user-strong Puppy Love  community two years ago.

Just like human dating sites, dog owners can upload photos, blog, search for the perfect match and set up dates, according to a Reuters article.

Many of the dogs are pedigreed — and some owners are looking for a dog to breed their dog with — but others are simply trying to set up play dates.

“People are very happy that finally someone has taken up this cause,” says Mumbai-based Mekhala Lobo, who spotted a business opportunity in her newly launched Date Your Pet  website.

“Believe me, in the dog world, finding a mate is next to impossible,” the MBA student said. And harder yet for the males. “Families generally prefer keeping male dogs so females are always in demand,” Nigam, who also owns a dog-grooming business, said.

Ishita Sukhadwala set up DogMateOnline in 2008 to help her cousin’s 6-year-old Doberman Rocky find a mate. “It was more out of necessity than anything else,” she said.

Rocky had a profile set up on the website, but he died before a potential match was found.

Pet ownership has boomed in India, thanks to its growing ranks of wealthy, middle and upper class professionals who are also driving sales of luxury goods. But for the vast majority of the country, which lives on between $1 and $2 a day, pets are not an option. Stray dogs are also often beaten, herded into trucks, poisoned and dumped into pits by government workers.