ohmidog!

According to Klooff, what I need to do is get a golden retriever, or a Siberian husky, or a French bulldog — and then just wait for women to line up in hopes of dating me.

Based on findings in a survey conducted by Klooff, a new iPhone app for pet lovers, those are among the dog breeds that best attract women.

“Pets are great for lots of different things; for companionship, for fun romps at the park, and even for getting a date,” said Alejandro Russo, co-founder of Klooff. “That’s why we built Klooff, so people can express themselves through their pets. And possibly even find a little romance while at it.”

I find it revolting — maybe not Klooff itself, but this particular avenue the humans behind the app have chosen in a quest for publicity.

It’s dogsploitation at its worst. It reduces dog to an accessory — one that can help you “express yourself” and get you dates. It makes dogs the equivalent of those Axe products that purport to attract women, like flies to dog poop.

If the main reason you are getting a dog is to attract humans of the gender you are seeking — be it for a date or a long-term relationship — don’t get a dog.

If you are getting a dog for other reasons, but want to factor in which breed would serve you best as you go about your courting and woo-pitching, don’t get a dog.

If you think that a dog’s breed is all you need to know — that breed alone determines every facet of a dog’s personality and behavior, thereby making him 100 percent predictable — don’t get a dog, at least until you do a little more research.

This is where Klooff goofed – not only in reducing dog to a sort of pimp, but by relying on often faulty breed stereotypes and generalizations far too wide.

Here’s a sample of their pun-laden press release:

Just what are the best breeds for singles?

It’s no secret that taking your dog for a walk during these upcoming dog days of summer is a great way to meet other singles, make a connection, and potentially land a hot date. But what dog breeds give men and women the best chance of getting a “leg up” on the competition in the “dog eat dog” world of dating and romance?

A new international poll on what goes on in one of the hottest singles scenes – at the dog park – suggests certain breeds are the “cat’s meow” in navigating the “ruff” world of dating, whereas others hinder their chances of success. The survey illuminates what types of dogs men and women should own to attract their next girlfriend, boyfriend, hookup, or soulmate…and which dogs to completely stay away from.

I will point out here that my dog Ace has gotten me dates — in fact, pretty much every date I’ve had in recent years. I would go so far to say that, while he smells much worse, he works much better than Axe deodorant, or body spray or hair styling products. But that’s an unexpected benefit, not the sole or even main reason he came into my home.

Although it was once the case, in today’s society most of us no longer choose dogs based on the work they can do for us – unless you are a shepherd, or a hunter, or a dog show ribbon seeker.

Today we choose them for companionship — for the love they bring into our homes, as opposed to the varmints they can chase away, or the potential suitors of our own species they might attract.

The Klooff app, though, is indicative of a mindset that still lingers – despite the evolution of dogs, despite the evolution of our thinking about them:

Looking at dogs solely in terms of what they can do for us.

The notion of getting a dog for the purpose of spicing up your romantic life is selfish — on par with ruining a pristine natural environment to feed your whims.

The notion that you should choose a dog based on how well its breed reportedly attracts humans of the gender you are seeking is equally unwise.

Klooff ranks breeds in terms of their ability to attract dates. The lists are based on a survey Klooff says is  ”representative of 1,000 pet owners and non-owners.” It presents the results in countdown style:

The top dog breeds to attract men were:
5. Beagles
4. Poodles
3. Chihuahuas
2. Labrador Retrievers
1. Golden Retrievers

The top dog breeds to attract women were:
5. French Bulldogs
4. Siberian Huskies
3. Labrador Retrievers
2. Golden Retrievers
1. German Shepherds

Klooff is a newly launched mobile app that lets users create profiles for their pets, allowing them to upload pet photos and interact with other pet lovers, “and maybe make the dog park dating scene a little easier.”

According to Klooff, many men see women who own Chihuahuas as dumb, and as “one-night stands” as opposed to “girlfriend material.”

According to Klooff, men who own retrievers are seen as “great dads,” men who own a Siberian Husky are seen as “manly,” and men who own bulldogs, boxers or Rottweilers are seen as “just a hook up.”

According to Klooff — and this is the one that bothers us most — the man who owns a pit bull or Rottweiler is seen as ”slimy” or “sketchy.”

Klooff calls their rankings “scientific.”

If you believe that, you probably own a Chihuahua.

Just kidding.

(Photos by John Woestendiek)

The city council in Concord, New Hampshire, has voted to ban dogs — we’re talking live ones — from cemeteries.

Dogs are no longer permitted in the 13 cemeteries in Concord as a result of the vote, and those caught disturbing the deceased will face fines between $50 and $1,000, according to the Concord Monitor.

Councilor Steve Shurtleff proposed the measure, saying using cemeteries as dog parks is disrespectful — though it’s not clear whether anyone was actually doing that to any large extent.

What the councilors were aiming at, most agree, was preventing dogs from urinating or defecating in cemeteries.

What they passed was a blanket ban that fails to take into consideration that some families might want to bring their dog to visit a deceased family member — or bring a deceased family member’s dog to visit their master’s grave.

The council — apparently obsessed with dog waste, and apparently pandering to the uptight members of their constituency — neglected to factor in the comfort dogs can provide when families are coping with the death of a loved one.

So while we admire their effort to keep dead people covered with dirt — and the rocks set atop dead people covered with dirt — pristine, we’ll have to add this to our list of dumb dog laws.

A bad day just kept getting worse for Ralph Bias, an 18-year-old arrested in Louisiana last week.

Police stopped Bias for speeding. He was going 52 mph in a 35 mph zone (Mistake One).

The officer noticed he wasn’t wearing a seat belt (Mistake Two), and upon checking his license, saw that he was driving with a suspended one (Mistake Three).

Then, according to nola.com, the officer noticed the handrolled marijuana cigarette on the console (Mistake Four).

With some further checking, the officer found that the 2004 Lexus that Bias was driving had been reported stolen from New Orleans (Mistake Five).

At that point, the officer — not having much reason to trust the driver — made some inquiries about the Shih Tzu sitting on the front passenger seat, and ended up calling the veterinarian whose name was listed on the dog’s tags.

The vet told the officer that the pet had been stolen during a home burglary (Mistake Six).

A laptop computer in the vehicle was also found to be stolen (Mistake Seven).

In all, Bias was found with stolen items valued at $27,020, including the value of the Lexus.

Bias was booked with possession of stolen goods, marijuana possession and various traffic offenses. He was released on bond Thursday.