ohmidog!

Some signs in New York City — warning of $1,000 fines if you fail to clean up after your dog — start off with these words: “IT’S THE LAW.”

Problem is, IT’S NOT.

Proving once again that words written in all caps should never be trusted.

As the New York Post reported yesterday, the signs, which show a human dutifully following his dog with a small shovel, are a bit off the mark.

Posted in at least a couple of locations, the signs not only have the maximum fine wrong, but the law they cite — Public Health Law 1316 — doesn’t exist.

The actual maximum fine for the offense is $250, and the law behind it is Public Health Law 1310.

Most signs in the city have it right, but apparently some rogue ones got fabricated and posted as well over the years, either due to poor research, or because the city wanted to scare the sheer bejeebers out of people.

The Post reported that “the city for years has posted signs in parks and promenades that threaten a $1,000 fine for dog-waste violations … Just one problem with the signs: They’re full of crap.”

When The Post asked city officials about one such posting on the Brooklyn Heights Promenade, they admitted that “1316” was a typo — and that the actual fine is $250. A spokeswoman said for the Parks Department said the promenade sign was taken down after The Post’s inquiry.

The spokeswoman said the sign “appears to be an older sign that is no longer fabricated and no longer installed in parks. We make every effort to replace these signs when applicable.”

That would make sense if the signs were ever accurate, but they weren’t.

The Post  found at least one more sign still standing – at Washington Market Park in TriBeCa.

All of which  makes us wonder: Is there a fine for putting up false warning signs?

(Photo: Helayne Seidman / New York Post)

Shame on dogshaming.

If you haven’t heard of it, dogshaming is being described as a “new sensation sweeping the Internet” — though we see it as more evidence that the Internet needs a good sweeping.

Humans — supposedly a sentient species — are posting photos of their misbehaving pets, along with a sign outlining what bad behavior their dog participated in.

It’s all in good fun, of course, though we have our doubts whether the dogs being depicted would think so — any more than, say, your son or daughter  would if you posted a photo of them and recounted their misbehaviors.

Apparently, rather than train their dogs, some people find it a better use of time to  photograph them with a sign stating the pet’s misdeed, and post in on the Internet.

The Dogshaming Tumblr site displays those submitted — no matter how foul the offense.

Most often they are things like humping, puking, farting, pooping, burping, groin-scratching, furniture destroying or vicious behavior.

All things — we’d note — that human males get away with regularly.

Dogshaming had more than 115 posts within a week of its creation, according to the “Today” show website, Digital Life.

One report describes the site as “payback” — a chance for dog owners to get even with their dogs for whatever it is they did. In those rare cases where that’s really a pet owner’s motivation  — as opposed to trying to be funny — we’d suggest maybe you’re not ready for a dog, or for children, or for seventh grade.

“If there is not a shaming element of your dog rehabilitation program, then it is doomed to failure, science has proven this,” they wrote in a post. That, too, is likely a joke.

Given the site’s popularity, it will probably get to the point, if it hasn’t already, where it’s humiliating dogs for profit.

Proving once again that no animal has more to be ashamed of than man.

Onion, the mastiff mix that killed a one-year-old boy in Nevada, is likely to be put down in a matter of days after a judge ruled Friday that outside parties should have no say in whether the animal lives or dies.

Clark County District Judge Joanna Kishner sided with Henderson city attorneys who argued the 6-year-old mastiff-Rhodesian ridgeback mix is vicious, and that an uninvited third party with no ties to the family had no legal right to step in to try to save him.

Lawyers for the Lexus Project, the New York-based organization that hoped to get Onion moved to a sanctuary in Colorado, said they want to appeal.

Kishner declined to issue a formal order postponing euthanasia pending an appeal, the Associated Press reported. But she said there will be time before her order is written, signed and filed.

“Despite good intentions … a party cannot just come in and state on their own that they wish to be a party to this case,” the judge said. “The court has to follow the law. It’s not for me to decide what action Henderson should take.”

Henderson city spokesman Keith Paul issued a statement later saying the dog would remain in the city animal shelter until the order is reviewed by attorneys on both sides and signed.

Outside the courthouse Friday, protesters waved signs, most urging the dog be spared. “Don’t Punish the Dog,” read one.

One man held up a sign with another point of view: ”Let’s Make Dog Tacos,” it said.

Jeremiah Eskew-Shahan was killed late last month during his first birthday party when Onion, a mastiff-Rhodesian ridgeback mix belonging to his grandparents  bit him on the head.

The boy’s grandmother signed ownership and custody of the dog over to city animal control officials and said she wouldn’t contest his euthanization.

Family members weren’t in the courtroom Friday.

Citizen journalist and dog poop vigilante Andy Ross reports that a four-year-old girl in New Haven had to be treated at a local hospital after an encounter with dog feces in Wooster Square Park.

The Saturday incident proves what he has been saying all along.

Both on his website and on signs he puts up in the park, he warns that dog poop can be dangerous; and urges that dog owners pick it up.

We have no disagreement with that.

According to his report in the New Haven Independent, a family on a picnic returned home and noticed their daughter “had a smelly substance under her fingernails … Upon further inspection, the 4-year-old had some of the same substance in her mouth and ears…

“Yep, you guessed it. The substance was dog feces. They cleaned her up but overnight had to take her to the emergency room because she was vomiting … Upon testing the little girl, they found her stomach swarming with coliform bacteria …”

A good doggie defense lawyer might point out here that, unlikely as it is to have come from another source, there’s no proof that the poop came from a dog. As one slightly less than sensitive commenter on the Ross post says, “there are a lot worse things than dog poop (needles for instance) littering the parks and streets of New Haven – you’re lucky that it was only dog poop and not something worse.”

As another chimed in “the girl could have pricked herself with a heroin needle, suffocated on a used condom or cut herself on broken beer bottles.”

A good doggie defense lawyer might further raise the question in the jury’s mind as to why the family, on top of not noticing their daughter when she was playing in poop, didn’t detect the presence of the substance until their return home.

But that’s not the point, at least not to Andy Ross, who had the misfortune of  bearing the wrath of mom.

On his signs urging dog walkers to pick up the poop, he lists his email address and phone number. The mother, for some reason, called to yell at him.

“At first she blamed me until I pointed out that I am the one trying to stop this disgusting and total irresponsibility on behalf of dog owners,” he reported. The woman was threatening to sue the city, he said. ”She was piping mad and I do not blame her.”

“I hope that every group that has the ability to get out this horrible story to residents does,” Ross wrote. “Spring is here and children play in the park. Others just enjoy walking around the park with out having to navigate their way through dog feces. This is not just a Wooster Square Park problem; I am sure it is prevalent in other city parks too. This is both a health and quality of life issue we all need to pay attention to.”

Comments on his report are evenly divided between those who agree what happened to the four-year-old was horrendous, and those who point out it could have been worse, and ask why no one in the family noticed when the child was smearing poop on herself.

“Um, I can’t speak for everyone – but I grew up with a dog that poo’d all over the lawn, spent A LOT of time playing on said lawn, and even at 4 I knew not to touch that s#!t … Sounds like questionable parenting to me.”

“People who don’t pick up after their pets are selfish and uncivilized,” said another. “I would recommend to the upset mother that she needs to take the time to teach her child not to eat things off the ground, or at least be more attentive to what her child is doing.”

“Careless dog owners stare at their iPhones while the dog is defecating and completely miss it,” wrote another “… My real question is, why own a beautiful animal if you’re not going to give it your attention? Put down your phone and love your puppy … you’ll feel better.”

I’d agree that both the owner that failed to pick up their dog’s  poop, and the parents of the child who failed to notice their daughter toying with it, share the blame. And I especially like the idea of blaming the iPhone as well.

Many people  tend to get so absorbed in whatever it is they are doing on their phones that they fail to notice both the subtle things and the blatant ones going on around them, whether it’s what a dog might be dropping or what a child might be picking up.

Even though hand-held communication devices may not be to blame for this particular incident, they — or is it our dependence on them? — do seem to take us out of the moment we’re in.

So pick up the poop. Monitor your dog. Watch your children. Enjoy the company of both. And leave the stupid phone at home.

Let a day in the park be a day in the park.

When Pat Panek’s six-year-old Siberian Husky disappeared in November, she did what most of us would do — made some posters.

But when she put them up on the streets of Acton, Mass., she says, city officials told her she couldn’t do that, and even took them down.

She says the city told her the signs violated its laws.

“It makes me really angry and I don’t understand it,” Panek told WBZ News. ”Frankly, I just can’t wrap my brain around it.”

Panek is pursuing other routes — passing out brochures and  maintaining a Facebook page about her lost dog, but Bridgett, despite 30 reported sightings, still hasn’t been found.

Mike Gowing, the Chairman of the Acton Board of Selectmen, says the town’s laws pertaining to signage — intended to keep the town from being overrun with signs and losing its “historic feel” —  are confusing, and in the process of being rewritten.

How long lost dog signs should be allowed to stay up is one of the matters to be addressed.

“If you’ve lost your dog, how long is it that you should have the ability to put up signs that say, ‘Where’s my dog’? When do you call that?” he asked. In the case of Bridgett, he added, sounding something less than sensitive, “…It was over the winter, this dog’s either been taken in by somebody, or it’s gone.”

The director of Acton’s Planning Department, which enforces the towns signage laws, said Panek was never ordered to take down a sign, only informed that she was responsible for eventually taking them down.

Whether you’re Catholic, Presbyterian or just plain gullible, you might have seen and fallen for this series of photos that seems to capture two neighboring churches having a theological debate, via their church signs, on whether dogs go to heaven.

But nay, my friend. Do not be decieved. See the light, which, you might notice, is exactly the same in each shot, as is the cropping, as is the background — including one car that is parked in the same place the whole time the alleged sign debate is going on.

Fall not for nefarious pranksters, for they are evil. Either that or they have idle time on their hands, and we know what that leads to, because we read it on a real church sign once.

Yea, verily, the devil’s workshop (now available online).

This particular one — the place where these false images are fashioned — is called Church Sign Generator. You can find it on the Internet, should you care to venture into that sinful rat’s nest of temptation, deception and pop-up ads. (May God strike me down if I ever resort to them.)

There, sheep-like, we (by which I mean humans) flock to get the wool pulled over our eyes, failing to recognize false idols, fraud and, sometimes, jest.

We (by which I mean me) are not truly bothered by Internet-generated church signs, though we’d argue that being able to put any words you want on one takes away some of the thrill of spotting real church signs that contain humor, wisdom or interesting typos. (Like seeking kudzu dogs, that’s one of my hobbies.)

Some of the Cumberland Presbyterians — especially since they seem to come out on the losing end of the debate — are less than thrilled with it though, calling the text that appears on the signs “inappropriate.”

The misleading series of photos is most often passed along via the forwarded email — forwarded emails being the Internet equivalent of swarming locusts.

“This forwarded e-mail continues to rear its ugly head time after time,” writes editor Pat White in the Cumberland Presbyterian Church newsletter, “so I am resurrecting this message that explains that this is not a theological issue for the Cumberland Presbyterian Church.”

“These signs are a prank,”  he adds. “If you receive one of these forwarded e-mails, please respond to the sender to be sure they understand that this is not a true Cumberland Presbyterian church sign.”

Alas, his remarks are too little, too late.

As with with locusts, once forwarded emails go viral, the damage is done, and the Presbyterian Church, or at least the Cumberland Presbyterian Church, or at least the Beulah Cumberland Presbyterian Church – if there really is one — is left looking God-fearing but dog-hating.

White does not address whether all dogs go to heaven, but we are quite certain they do.

We read it on a church sign once.

Chispita is home!

And by now, maybe, Arlene Corona has put some clothes on.

The woman who donned a bikini to bring attention to her lost dog has been reunited with her Chihuahua, NBC in San Diego reports.

And while the news outlet seems to question why Arlene remained in her bikini, at the intersection, holding a sign seeking the return of her dog for hours after the dog was found, there are multiple explanations for that.

Corona’s mother picked up the white Chihuahua around noon Tuesday at the Carlsbad animal shelter.

As of  3:45 p.m, the bikini-clad Corona was still at the intersection.

Taking a few jabs from Internet commenters about that, Corona – who continued her bikini vigil even after a man who claimed to have the dog texted her photos of his genitals – offered an explanation in a Facebook post: Read more »

Traditionally in Florida, dogs seized from dogfighting operations were subject to an automatic death sentence.

But with Gov. Rick Scott’s signature this week, some of them may get a second chance.

Scott signed into law SB 722, which allows local authorities to evaluate — instead of automatically euthanize — dogs seized from dogfighting operations.

A ceremonial bill signing will take place on September 19.

The bill was sponsored by Rep. Luis Garcia, Rep. Jeff Brandes, and Sen. Jim Norman — and pushed by Best Friends Animal Society.

“We have been working to remove the automatic ‘dangerous’ stigma from dogs and puppies seized from cruelty situations,” said Best Friends Animal Society’s Ledy VanKavage, who testified in support of the bill. “After SB 722 becomes law, we will continue our work to remove this arbitrary designation in the remaining 13 states as part of our national pit bull terrier initiatives.”

“In a year in which the state has gone after many of Florida’s most vulnerable I was glad to see that we came together as a legislature to stop punishing these abused animals,” Rep. Garcia said upon the bill’s passage in the House last month. “I truly believe that you can judge the civility of a society by the way it treats its most vulnerable, including its animals.”

Other animal advocacy groups, veterinarians, and rescue groups also voiced their support for the bill by highlighting their work with dogs seized in from animal-fighting situations.

The new law, which stops short of requiring behavioral evaluations of all animals seized from dogfighting situations, provides local authorities with the option to conduct them to determine if the dogs can be rehabilitated and adopted.

Assisting in the campaign to get the bill passed was Dolly, a rehabilitated pit-bull terrier who was believed to have been used as a bait dog but now lives peacefully as a Canine Good Citizen canine companion and therapy dog for senior citizens.

“You can see what a wonderful animal this is,” Sen. Norman said at one press conference, as Dolly laid down near his feet. “This is a dog that has been typified as a vicious type of animal but, as you can see, if dogs are treated right, they’re man’s best friend, ladies’ best friend — just wonderful creatures.”

(Source: Best Friends Animal Society)
(Photo: Best Friends Animal Society)

It’s dark down here. Even with every light on, even when the sun’s up, the temporary home Ace and I have landed in — a cellar apartment in an old southern mansion — is, given its subterranean location, something less than bright and cheery.

I have window wells, but little light shines through. I look out and assume it’s a rainy day — only to step outside and see that it’s as sunshiny as it can be. Down here, it’s as if it’s always 3 a.m. Ace wakes up, looks around, and — like me — assumes it’s not morning yet.

I haven’t been cursing the darkness. That’s best reserved for internet connections. But I think it has been keeping me from being awake as I might be, and I haven’t gotten a lot of writing done. Instead I’ve mostly been oversleeping, setting up housekeeping and visiting my mother. She lives about a mile down the road, so Ace and I have visited almost nightly — conveniently around dinner time.  I mentioned to her how dim things were in my apartment, and she, being a former newswoman, felt the need to share that — at least with my sister.

“This just in: John’s apartment is kind of dark. Details at 11.”

I’ve introduced you to my sister before, when Ace and I passed through Madison, Wisconsin. She’s prone to random outbursts of karaoke singing, sermonizing, deep thoughts and good deeds, and I was about to be a recipient of one of them — luckily the latter.

She called to tell me she had found four lamps on Craigslist, and that she was giving them to me as a Christmas present. All I had to do was drive to some town called Midway, and find the home of a man named Ken. She sent me an email with the directions. Like all her emails, it ended with the same quote from Edith Wharton: “There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it.” (Buying lamps via Craigslist wasn’t an option in Edith’s day.)

Thankfully, Midway was only about 20 miles away. Ken was in the driveway when I pulled in.

I popped open the back window of the jeep. He greeted Ace, noticed there was no air in the tires of my bicycle, still attached to the rack, and offered to pump some in. He helped me load the four lamps into the car, and told me to help myself to the kitchen items packed in boxes in his barn. They, like the lamps, had belonged to his mother, who died last fall at age of 98.

I tried to pay Ken $60 — $48 for the lamps, the rest for everything else I grabbed – but he insisted on giving me change. I stuffed as much as I could into the car — or at least as much as Ace would permit. Ace doesn’t like things rattling around back there, or any of the contents to shift while we’re driving, and given the back seat has been his home for most of the past nine months, I try to oblige.

After loading up, we stopped for lunch in Midway, which is next to a town called Welcome, at a place called The Dawg House, then headed down the road to the Midway General Store, where it was hard to find things because it was dark inside. But I got three copies made of the key to my new place, bought two plug adaptors, three packages of cuphooks and a big greasy hambone for Ace — all for a mere $11.

Ace nibbled his bone as I took the back roads home, passing church after church — all with marquee signs out front:

‘Hands joined in prayer are never empty,” one said.

“The church is a pit stop in the race of life,” read another.

“God’s plans for us are better than our own,” another advised.

Space being limited on church signs, attribution for the words of wisdom on them is seldom provided — so you never really know whether they come from God, the local preacher, Edith Wharton or some book, like “1001 Catchphrases for Your Church Marquee.”

Whether they are original words, or a reflection of somebody else’s, doesn’t really matter — as long as they are getting shared, because church marquees, even those that don’t light up, are all about spreading the light, giving life some meaning, tossing a little hope, inspiration and joy our way.

My new lights, once plugged in, didn’t lead to a hallelujah moment of the religious kind. But I can read now, and find where I put my coffee filters, and make sure the socks I’m putting on match.

On top of that, never having lived in darkness before, I’ve learned that, much like a chili cheese dog, light – the non-symbolic, simple wattage kind — makes me happy.

For Ace, a hambone works just fine.

“Thought Provoking?” It’s not like winning best in show at Westminster, but I’ll take the sign my book appears under at this bookstore as a compliment.

A friend sent me this photo, taken at the Barnes & Noble in Towson, which shows “DOG, INC.: The Uncanny Inside Story of Cloning Man’s Best Friend” getting some pretty decent display (at least better than the bottom shelf of the astronomy section, as was the case at an area bookstore that shall remain nameless).

I can think of no other sign I would like my book to be under — except maybe ”New York Times Bestseller.”

Alas, it’s not there yet, but it did rate the “Page 99 Test,” a website by Marshal Zeringue dedicated to the proposition that the quality of a book can be judged by turning to, and reading, its 99th page.

I lucked out in that page 99 of “DOG, INC.” contains a revelation — namely who it was that located Genelle Guzman, the last survivor found after 9/11, and held her hand until she could be freed from the mound of debris she was trapped under.

(Clue: It wasn’t the volunteer firefighters who took credit for rescuing her on CNN)

If you’re wondering what this has to do with cloning dogs, you can click the link to Marshal’s blog or, better yet, buy the book and allow your thoughts — and perhaps more — to be provoked.