ohmidog!

Whether you’re Catholic, Presbyterian or just plain gullible, you might have seen and fallen for this series of photos that seems to capture two neighboring churches having a theological debate, via their church signs, on whether dogs go to heaven.

But nay, my friend. Do not be decieved. See the light, which, you might notice, is exactly the same in each shot, as is the cropping, as is the background — including one car that is parked in the same place the whole time the alleged sign debate is going on.

Fall not for nefarious pranksters, for they are evil. Either that or they have idle time on their hands, and we know what that leads to, because we read it on a real church sign once.

Yea, verily, the devil’s workshop (now available online).

This particular one — the place where these false images are fashioned — is called Church Sign Generator. You can find it on the Internet, should you care to venture into that sinful rat’s nest of temptation, deception and pop-up ads. (May God strike me down if I ever resort to them.)

There, sheep-like, we (by which I mean humans) flock to get the wool pulled over our eyes, failing to recognize false idols, fraud and, sometimes, jest.

We (by which I mean me) are not truly bothered by Internet-generated church signs, though we’d argue that being able to put any words you want on one takes away some of the thrill of spotting real church signs that contain humor, wisdom or interesting typos. (Like seeking kudzu dogs, that’s one of my hobbies.)

Some of the Cumberland Presbyterians — especially since they seem to come out on the losing end of the debate — are less than thrilled with it though, calling the text that appears on the signs “inappropriate.”

The misleading series of photos is most often passed along via the forwarded email — forwarded emails being the Internet equivalent of swarming locusts.

“This forwarded e-mail continues to rear its ugly head time after time,” writes editor Pat White in the Cumberland Presbyterian Church newsletter, “so I am resurrecting this message that explains that this is not a theological issue for the Cumberland Presbyterian Church.”

“These signs are a prank,”  he adds. “If you receive one of these forwarded e-mails, please respond to the sender to be sure they understand that this is not a true Cumberland Presbyterian church sign.”

Alas, his remarks are too little, too late.

As with with locusts, once forwarded emails go viral, the damage is done, and the Presbyterian Church, or at least the Cumberland Presbyterian Church, or at least the Beulah Cumberland Presbyterian Church – if there really is one — is left looking God-fearing but dog-hating.

White does not address whether all dogs go to heaven, but we are quite certain they do.

We read it on a church sign once.

It was 50 years ago today that this classic episode of The Twilight Zone, called “The Hunt,” originally aired.

The clip above shows the last third of the episode.

Hyder Simpson has just about realized, by then, that he is dead.

Him and his dog, Rip, had left the house long about supper time, and the dog, he picked up a coon trail, you see. Rip plunged into a creek in pursuit of the raccoon. When Rip didn’t come up, Hyder went in after him, and he didn’t come up neither.

When next we see them, they are awakening in a meadow. It slowly dawns on Hyder that no one can detect his presence, or Rip’s for that matter. After seeing his grieving widow, and the casket holding his earthly remains, Hyder sets off for the great beyond — not sure what that’s going to be, seein’ as as he never went in much for hymns or scripture.

He and Rip start walking, first coming across what bills itself as heaven.

He’s told he’s welcome there, but that dogs aren’t allowed.

Needless to say — Rip and Hyder havin’ them a right powerful bond — Hyder declines to enter, and he utters the following lines, all of which you can use next time a motel, restaurant, park, shop or other establishment devilishly declines entry to your dog:

“I don’t reckon in there is any place for me … any place that’s too high falutin’ for Rip is too fancy for me.”

“What kind of outfit you runnin’ don’t allow no dogs?”

“A dog’s got a right to have a man around just like a man’s got a right to have a dog around.”

Hyder and Rip hear out the man who describes himself as St. Peter, but (and note how Rip detects something isn’t right) they decide not to go through the gate. Instead, they press on.

Eventually they come across an angel who offers to usher them into the real heaven.

“Ain’t gonna set foot in heaven without Rip.” Hyder tells him.

But in heaven, of course, dogs are welcome. And what of that first place they stopped? Well, as Rip’s discomfort there might have attested, that was hell.

It’s the angel who utters this classic line:

“You see, Mr. Simpson, a man, well he’ll walk right into hell with both eyes open, but even the devil can’t fool a dog.”

The episode was the first of eight that Earl Hamner wrote for The Twilight Zone — and 50 years later, we tip our hat to him.

Hamner went on to create ”The Waltons” (That’s his voice you hear narrating the episodes, should you happen to stumble across John Boy and family in a repeat.)

Should you happen to stumble across Hyder or Rip, well, you’ll know you’re in the right place.

A dog skull unearthed in a cave in the Altai Mountains of Siberia is believed to be 33,000 years old.

If so, it represents some of the oldest known evidence of dog domestication,  according to a recent study in the online journal PloS One.

The Siberian skull, along with equally ancient dog remains found in a cave in Belgium, indicate domestic dogs may have come from more than one ancestor, more than one area, and more than one era — contrary to popular scientific belief.

Researchers say the skull’s shortened snout — not as long and narrow as that of a wolf — is evidence the creature it came from was domesticated.

“Essentially, wolves have long thin snouts and their teeth are not crowded, and domestication results in this shortening of the snout and widening of the jaws and crowding of the teeth,” said Greg Hodgins, a researcher at the University of Arizona’s Accelerator Mass Spectrometry Laboratory and co-author of the study. “What’s interesting is that it doesn’t appear to be an ancestor of modern dogs.”

The Siberian skull predates the last great ice age, and Hodgins believes neither the Belgian nor the Siberian lineages survived the severe conditions.

Hodgins suspects even pre-ice age dogs were pets and helpers, as opposed to food sources.

“The dogs are not necessarily providing products or meat. They are probably providing protection, companionship and perhaps helping on the hunt. And it’s really interesting that this appears to have happened first out of all human relationships with animals.”

(Photos by Nikolai D. Ovodov)

I’m as absorbed with taxidermy and its variations as the next guy (unless that next guy is Charles “Speedy” Atkins), especially when it comes to using it to preserve our pets.

I was fascinated enough to make it a chapter in my book, and curious enough to take a peek at “American Stuffers,” Animal Planet’s new series that each week follows people who are getting their pets, to use the common but erroneous nomenclature, “stuffed.”

But do I want to watch it every week? No.

“Stuffers,” I think, falls into the ever-expanding category of shows we watch to see humans behaving bizarrely — so strangely that we, by comparison, feel normal. You know the ones I’m talking about, those that focus on dysfunctional, obsessive, extreme behavior, like hoarding, kiddie beauty pageants, excessive tattooing, or just the travails of being a punk on the shore of New Jersey.

Flipping the remote these days, it sometimes seem as if Jerry Springer is choreographing what’s on every channel.

The Learning Channel, despite its name, has become one of the worst offenders — offering nearly a steady diet of human dysfunction. Animal Planet, despite its name, is getting more that way too.

I’ll admit that I’ve always been drawn to the bizarre behavers among us, but what makes them interesting to me is why they’ve become that way and the ramifications of it. Those aspects, and any context at all, are almost always missing from these shows, be they weekly series or pseudo-documentaries. Rather than advancing knowledge, they simply gawk. They just put the camera on the oddballs, and we learn nothing except what we already knew: People are weird.

Net gain: Zero.

“American Stuffers” centers on a taxidermy shop in Romance, Arkansas — one the show incorrectly describes as the only one of its type — where Daniel Ross freeze dries dead pets for bereaved owners.

Ross is founder and owner of Xtreme Taxidermy, which he operates with assistance from his wife LaDawn and his three sons. There seems a steady, sideshow-like stream of customers, and a steady stream of drama — real and manufactured — as he freeze dries pets and unveils them in their finished poses to their owners.

The show airs Thursdays at 10 p.m.

“While nothing can bring back these animals, Daniel and his artistic team attempt to come as close as science and art can allow,” Animal Planet says on the show’s website. “They recreate the illusion of life, and clients return home with their pets for eternity.”

That science these days allows much more than freeze-drying is shown in my book, “DOG, INC.: How a Collection of Visionaries, Rebels, Eccentrics and Their Pets Launched the Commercial Dog Cloning Industry.”

But the book also looks at how, through history, our inability to part with our pets has led us down some other strange roads, including stuffing them.

“Stuffing,” in the 1800s, was an apt name for the process. Almost every town had a tanner, who would cater to hunters seeking to memorialize  their kills. They would remove the innards and sew up the carcasses, filling them with rags, straw, paper and cotton, then use sticks and brooms to beat the animal into something resembling its original shape.

By the early 20th century, taxidermy had become far more sophisticated. Mounts of the original animal were made of wood, wire and later plastic, and the animals pelt was stretched over it.

Freeze drying, an invention of the 1970s, began being used by some taxidermists by the late 1990s, including one in West Virginia, Perpetual Pet, who was featured in my book. The process involves removing the animal’s organs, posing it in the desired position, freezing it and then putting it in a vacuum chamber that removes all the moisture.

The point, as with Victorian-era pet portraiture (sometimes painted after an animal was deceased), as with modern day “digital photo urns,” and as with the most technologically advanced method of all, cloning, is the same — to keep at least a semblance of a departed animal around.

It was while researching “DOG, INC.” that I came across the story of Charles “Speedy” Atkins, who, though he died in 1928 in Paducah, Kentucky, remained above earth, intact and upright (when leaned against a wall) well into the 1990s.

Atkins was an active 50-year-old bachelor. His nickname was said by some to have stemmed from his work habits at a local tobacco factory, but others maintain it described his way with the ladies. He drowned one day while fishing on the Ohio River.

His body was taken to the black-owned funeral home in Paducah operated by A.Z. Hamock, who, inspired by methods the Egyptians used on mummies, had been experimenting with ways to preserve bodies for longer periods.

Speedy wasn’t stuffed, but he was pumped full of Hamock’s secret long-lasting embalming fluid. Hamock’s motivations were practical: Preserving a body with the fluid would allow him to wait for the families of his clients, usually poor, to raise enough money for the funeral.

No family ever came for Speedy, though. And time didn’t reclaim him either. Hamock died in 1949, taking his secret formula with him. But Speedy Atkins stayed above the ground, pickled and preserved, for the next 66 years, most of which he spent stashed in a closet, though funeral home operators would sometimes put him on display for tourists.

He was finally buried in 1994. It was time, Hamock’s widow, Velma, decided. “Sixty-six years is a long time to be with somebody,” she said in an interview with Jet magazine, which covered the funeral.

“It was all an experiment, but it was a success,” she said. “Speedy’s never been duplicated, he’s the only one that we know of. He’s not stinking, nothing. The amazing thing is he hasn’t lost all of his features. He doesn’t look like a corpse laying up in the casket for 66 years.

“I never saw a dead man bring so much happiness to people.”

(Freeze dried pet photos of Tiny and Cisco, courtesy of Perpetual Pet.)

On the day after her abuser was sentenced to three years in prison, a tan pit bull named Michelle has been put up for adoption by the Baltimore Humane Society.

Michelle is the first of what’s known as the “Pit 6” to be cleared for adoption. She was among a group of dogs seized from Larry Alston when he was arrested at a home in the Woodlawn area on charges of animal cruelty and mutilation.

Baltimore County police said there was evidence the dogs had been used for fighting.

Humane Society officials don’t know if Michelle was used in dog fights, but she was apparently used to produced litters of fighters while Alston was living in South Carolina.

She has scars on her nose and above her left eye, and marks on both of her front legs suspected to have been left by the metal grips of a device used to hold her still for forced breeding.

Alston, 37, was charged with 22 counts of violating various animal cruelty laws, including charges of mutilating the animals.

On Monday, he was sentenced in Baltimore County Circuit Court to three years in prison for animal cruelty.

Michelle and Alston’s other surviving dogs spent nearly two years in the Baltimore County animal shelter, as Alston’s criminal case dragged on. They were released late last year to animal advocates, and eventually taken in by the shelter to be rehabilitated.

The Humane Society is still working to rehabilitate and socialize the other dogs, Shelley, Meme, Tippy, Meris and Bridgett.

Michelle is 4 1/2 years old, and shelter officials want to see her go to a home without other dogs, and without young children.

A humane society press release describes her this way:

“Michelle is a petite Staffordshire with a beautiful smile when she greets you at the front of her kennel. The “Pit 6,” five females and one male, were found by the police locked in undersized cages. They are believed to have been used as bait dogs. Bait dogs are typically less tough than others and used as practice targets for dogs training to fight. The “Pit 6” were all emaciated with multiple burn and bite scars. They also showed signs of overbreeding – in other words they were repeatedly raped. In dogfighting rings it is not unusual for bait dogs to endure severe pain. Frequently they are wounded, drowned, electrocuted, slammed to the ground, shot, or left to die a slow and painful death from their open wounds.”

The humane society added, “It’s always cause for celebration when an abused dog gets a second chance at a good life, but in the case of the Pit 6 it’s a landmark. That’s because animals held as evidence in severe animal abuse and dog fighting cases are typically euthanized once the case is complete.”

In the case of the Pit 6, animal rescue advocates and Baltimore Humane Society were able to convince the Baltimore County Attorney, State’s Attorney, and Baltimore County Animal Control that the dogs deserved a second chance.

“Michelle demonstrates that even dogs who come from such violent, abusive backgrounds can become loving family pets. Baltimore Humane Society hopes she and the remaining Pit 6 will be used as an example for dog fighting and other animal abuse cases across the nation.”

For more information about Michelle and other dogs at the Baltimore Humane Society, visit www.bmorehumane.org or call 410-833-8848.

(Photo by Mary Swift, Mary Swift Photography)

The Marlins have welcomed Mark Buehrle to Miami, but his dogs are another matter.

One of the former White Sox pitcher’s four dogs is a pit bull, and “pit bull types” are banned in Miami-Dade.

So Buehrle, his wife Jamie, their two young children and four dogs are residing in nearby Broward County — but making their opinions about the discriminatory law known.

As animal lovers and spokespeople for Best Friends Animal Society, the Buehrles are featured in a new public service announcement in support of legislation (HB 997 /SB 1322) that would overturn the breed-specific law, passed in 1989.

Miami-Dade is the only county in Florida with such a ban, due to an exemption in state law, Best Friends says.

Florida State Representative Carlos Trujillo and Senator Jim Norman are leading the legislative effort, along with the help of Best Friends Animal Society. The bill has yet to be placed on the committee agenda in the Senate.

Jamie Buehrle also has started a Change.org petition urging support of the legislation.

In her blog, she said Slater, their adopted 18-month-old American Staffordshire terrier, is a member of the family:

“We had always agreed to make sure that wherever Mark ended up playing, Slater would be welcome. So, when Mark had the opportunity to sign with the Miami Marlins we were harshly confronted with Miami-Dade County’s 20-year-old pit bull terrier ban and immediately knew we would have to live a county over in Broward.

“Mark and I are fortunate to have the resources to accommodate Slater,” she wrote. “But it breaks our hearts that so many families are faced with losing their family pet simply because a local government has deemed their dog ‘dangerous’ based on nothing more than appearance. We can’t imagine ever having to give Slater up simply because a city says we can’t have him. Not only would we be distraught at that prospect, but our kids would be devastated.”

A spokesperson for Best Friends Animal Society says the ban — it applies to any dog resembling a pit bull, without any consideration of a dog’s behavior — causes severe hardship to hundreds of responsible owners of friendly, properly supervised, well-socialized pets.

Ledy VanKavage, senior legislative attorney for Best Friends, says breed-discriminatory laws are expensive and ineffective, citing a study by the economic research firm John Dunham and Associates that estimates Miami-Dade County spends more than $3 million a year to enforce the current law.

“In these tough economic times, laws that waste precious taxpayer dollars while failing to accomplish what they set out to do should be repealed,” said VanKavage. “The simple truth is breed is not a factor in bites. Many studies, along with the experience of Best Friends Animal Society, show that breed discriminatory laws are ineffective and result in the deaths of hundreds of pets in Miami-Dade each year.”

Twelve states, including Florida, prohibit canine profiling, but Florida’s law grandfathered Miami-Dade’s provision. HB 997/SB 1322 would give pet owners in Miami-Dade the same right as pet owners throughout the state.

Ohio, the only state that designates a breed of dog as vicious, is in the process of repealing its breed discriminatory law, with a Senate vote on HB 14 expected next week.

“This is America,” VanKavage said. “Responsible dog owners should be allowed to own whatever type of dog they choose, regardless of appearance. Reckless owners should be prevented from owning any dog.”

Former state senator Tom Hayden urged California Gov. Jerry Brown not to repeal a state law that requires shelters to keep dogs and cats six days before euthanizing them.

Hayden posted a video online urging Gov. Brown – an avowed dog lover who features his Pembroke Welsh Corgi, Sutter, on the official governor’s website – to take a look at his own dog before repealing the legislation.

“Governor, I see you’re a dog owner. I can tell from the publicity that you love that dog, your wife loves that dog,” said Hayden, who wrote the 1998 bill while he was in the senate.  ”So stop and think: Thousands of dogs and cats are put to death needlessly every year … I urge you to look at your dog before you allow this bill that protects animals to die.”

The law lengthened the time animal shelters must hold stray animals before euthanizing them, generally from three days to six days. Its edicts were suspended by Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger in 2009.

The shelter law is one of about 30 local government mandates Gov. Brown is proposing to repeal next fiscal year to save money, according to the Sacramento Bee.

The state estimates it would save about $46 million from the shelter mandate alone.

When a police dispatcher in Michigan got a call from the frantic owner of a choking dog, she offered a quick lesson in the Heimlich maneuver, and it worked.

A 10-pound dachshund had chewed on a present and swallowed either a piece of the gift or its wrapping, blocking her airway, according to the The Oakland Press.

The woman called 911 at 9:46 a.m on Christmas morning:

“I am so sorry to call you but I’ve got a dog that’s choking on a piece of Christmas present she opened,” the woman said between sobs. “She’s choking to death.”

Royal Oak police dispatcher Stacey Sheldon told the caller to open the dog’s mouth to see if the obstruction was visible.

When it wasn’t, she told the woman to perform the Heimlich maneuver in the manner generally recommended for small children.

Have a listen:

dispatcher 12.25.11 by Bruce MacLeod

The dispatcher told the woman to hold the dog in her arms, find the place where the dog’s ribs meet, and push in and up with force. The caller relayed the directions to a man.

Near the end of the recording, the caller can be heard saying, “She just coughed it up. I’m so happy.”

“I’m happy too,” Sheldon said. “Take her to the vet to make sure she didn’t hurt anything in her throat. Merry Christmas.”

“The dispatcher did a great job of walking her through the correct procedure of where to apply pressure to dislodge the object,” Police Chief Corrigan O’Donohue said. “I just learned about it from a thank-you note from the family. I listened to the call and the dispatcher did such a great job. She was compassionate but firm and patient.”

(Photo: Oakland Press)

How far would you go to have your dog proclaimed the world’s ugliest?

For some people the answer would be not very far at all.

For others, it’s all the way to Petaluma, California.

There, every year, dogs and their owners (emphasis on their owners) compete to be crowned the “Ugliest Dog in the World.”

If that’s not worth a documentary, then what is?

“Worst in Show“ takes viewers into the world of the ugly dog circuit, and behind the scenes of the 2010 “World’s Ugliest Dog” contest, showing both its sweet side and its highly competitive one.

Filmmakers John Beck and Don R. Lewis document not just the “ugliness” of the dogs, but the sometimes obsessive nature of the people behind them.

The movie features Pabst, 2009′s winner, who has a 2-inch underbite; Rascal, an African Sand Dog who has been on several television shows; Icky, a nearly hairless 6-month old rescued Chinese Crested whose owner shaved his head into a matching mohawk for the event; and Winston, who bears a scar across his head from Hurricane Katrina. His owner, Ashley, hopes winning the contest will spread the word about rescue dogs,  particularly those who, because of their unconventional looks, have trouble being adopted.

‘Worst in Show’ provides some insight into what we call ugliness, what we call beauty, what we call fame and how far we’ll go to get it. All in all, the classiest participants are the dogs. But look hard enough and you can find some of the more redeeming qualities of our species as well.

Dogs barking ”The Imperial March” from “Star Wars” — that’s what Volkswagen may have planned for its Super Bowl ad this year.

But this isn’t the ad, just a “tease” for the ad, which is for the revamped 2012 Beetle.

USA Today reports that no part of the tease will be in the real ad, which makes me wonder why they’re teasing us with it.

What we do know is that the commercial will have a ”Star Wars” theme, as did last year’s — the spot featuring a boy in a Darth Vader costume marching around his house, trying to use The Force.

The teaser for this year’s ad features dogs wearing Star Wars gear, including  a doggie ewok, a doggie wookie and a doggie ATAT, somehow managing, as a group, to bark out “The Imperial March.”

Fred Meier, in USA Today’s “Drive On” blog, notes — as we’ve been pointing out for months now — that the ad, or at least the teaser, ”honors a basic rule of Super Bowl advertising: The only thing that trumps sex is a cute animal.”

(To see all of our archived “Woof in Advertising” selections, click here.)